"That makes me laugh" (literary contest)

dear members,

we are looking forward to hearing funny stories that have happened/could happen to your character.

please take the time to read the conditions of this event before posting, these can be found here

 

Spoiler

it was a day like any other. i was sitting on the courtyard in front of our clan hall fighting with headache caused by clan pets running around me like crazy when i heard three loud knocks at the main gate. i pushed the raccoons under the lead of ernestito aside and rushed to open the door. when i pushed the gate wide open and saw a santa claus standing in front of me, i thought in fear that i was hallucinating and tried to close the entrance. yet, the gate did not want to close at all pushed by some mysterious power coming from the outside. finally i gave up cursing myself silently for stupidity – it was commonly known that forest of the dead is called that way for a reason.

the man who entered into the courtyard was a dwarf clothed in a huge red coat trimmed with white fur and in a pointed red hat. ‘excuse me but who did you come to?’, i asked hesitantly. ‘to you’, he answered looking at me with suspicion. ‘in that case i’m listening. what do you want from me?’, i asked still clueless about my guest’s plans. santa claus scratched himself with a pencil which he was holding in his right hand and, as if surprised by my question, kept staring at me for a long time. eventually, he replied, ‘i’m a tax collector. i’m collecting fees for renting the clan halls and castles. will you pay?’ that caught me off guard completely. ‘well yes, of course i pay but… why are you dressed in such a weird way?’, i couldn’t help myself but ask. ‘what do you mean by weird?’, enquired my guest and i already knew i had made a mistake. ‘you don’t like my hat? is that what you want to tell me!? well, i don’t like your white dressing gown with that radioactive blue hole either!’ kept shouting the tax collector. ‘but… but… it’s a clan cloak!’ i hurried with an explanation. ‘do i look like i care? oh, and i don’t like collecting taxes from you either so you will have to go and pay in the mithril mines! goodbye!’ said my guest and started to go away.

now that made me shiver as i thought about those long and moist corridors that my clan leader would send me to for not paying when i had such a great opportunity. ‘mister, wait!’, i cried in a begging tone, ‘sweetheart, just a second!’ the dwarf stopped and looked at me hesitantly but when he saw me taking adena out of my purse, he came back, took them with a swift move and put them inside his pocket. the atmosphere suddenly changed and the stranger started to be all nice and friendly. i thanked him with gratefulness and, already exhausted, i started going back to the clan hall thinking about having a nap when i heard two loud knocks at the gate again.

mad, i opened the door again and saw another dwarf with a red hat and a long and warm-looking red coat who was holding a huge grey bag in his hand. he could be a twin of the previous dwarf but his beard and moustache were much bigger and whiter. i thought i was hallucinating again and promised myself not to drink that aden white beer ever again but, learned by my previous experience, i said, ‘i have already paid the taxes.’ i closed the door and started going back inside wondering whether i’m slowly losing my mind when i heard three new knocks at the gate.

‘who is it?’, i asked carefully. ‘don’t ask questions, just open!’, i’ve heard a loud baritone and forced by such attitude, i opened the main gate again. this time my newest guest did not wait for any kind of invitation but pushed me aside, crossed the courtyard and entered into the main hall. at least i knew he was not an apparition. ‘why are you gaping at me as if you saw valakas or something?, he asked impatiently and when i asked who he actually was he answered proudly, ‘santa claus, can’t you see?’ i admitted that, in fact, i could see that and, looking at his dirty boots and worrying about my freshly polished floor, i tried inviting him outside. unfortunately, he was already placing himself in a comfortably looking armchair.

‘sorry for my lack of knowledge but what are you actually doing here?’, i inquired shyly. ‘well, i would not like to go into your iq level but don’t you really know what do santa clauses do?’, he replied with a question. as i did not want to look like a total idiot i answered that they give presents, which made him jump with surprise. i assume that he did not expect such an accurate answer from me. yet i still couldn’t stop thinking about one matter and finally enquired him, ‘but, as a santa claus, shouldn’t you come through the chimney? and shouldn’t you come here in december? it’s only october!’ he looked totally confident when he was replying, ‘well, it’s almost november and it’s already snowing in schuttgart! besides, how do you think i can possibly visit every single house in the whole aden country during one night only? this night would have to last for half a year! as for the chimney… would you consider jumping into the open fireplace yourself? yeah, me neither. but let’s not waste more time. do you have any presents?’ ‘isn’t that santa who is supposed to have them?’, i reminded him of his duty. ‘but i’m asking whether you have them. not yet? hmm… that’s bad. oh, i know what we can do. you will bring some shoes, gloves, old enchants and whatever else you can find, you will pack them, tie some ribbons and i, the santa claus, will give them to you.’ ‘wait a second’, i protested in a total shock, ‘if those things are mine then why would you possibly give me them back as gifts?’ ‘firstly, if i take them away from you then they are not yours anymore. secondly, i will give them back anyway so what’s the problem? now woosh, go pack your presents.’

i couldn’t possibly discuss with his logic so i rushed into clan warehouse, took some old leggings, angelic essences and an unused shooter. i packed everything nicely and gave it to the dwarf who put the presents inside his bag, walked a few times around the hall and finally stopped and took the packages out. ‘now i wish you merry christmas’, he said while hugging me and continued, ‘won’t you unpack your presents?’ but i somehow wasn’t really curious. ‘oh well, that’s your decision. anyway, now it would a great time to drink something stronger, don’t you think?’ i reluctantly grabbed my freshly brewed dion pilsner and put it in front of my guest. he was so excited that he didn’t even notice that a part of his beard started to get unstuck. not much but still. after such a beginning the beer started to pour almost in torrents. we drunk not only dion pilsner but also the whole stock of aden white beer, dwarven royal blue cocktail and even elven randler. i honestly don’t remember much of it.

when i woke up, santa claus was not there anymore; he was replaced by a furious clan leader shouting something about partying like crazy, devastating the clan hall and leaving the door open. apparently some clan wars went inside and stole our clan flag while i was asleep. i tried to explain but elronia did not let me finish any sentence and went on, ‘you drunkard! you irresponsible little creature! you wanted to play santa claus!? i wonder where did you take that silly red hat from!’ i tried to explain that it was a real santa claus and that it was his hat but elronia only laughed at me, ‘oh, so you were seeing santa clauses? and not little white mice?’ it all turned against me. but i know anyway that it really was a santa claus.

character name: lirelin